Being a Musician

I guess this is in light of our performance tonight.
Playing with the Wind Ensemble tonight has made me realize that I'm really going to miss band in college. The decision I've made to not major in music was a tough one, but I also know it was the right choice. I don't think I could be content to sit still and not be OUT there exploring, helping, learning, knowing, living. Don't get me wrong, musicians are wonderful people, and I'd love to somehow continue with music, but if I had to make a choice... I couldn't choose music. I know there are so many things to learn in the world of music, and that I've only scratched the surface, but there are so many mysteries in the world that I'm just dying to solve. The thought of being able to go out and actively help people makes me so happy. I'm honestly just so excited to have that chance!
With music, there are so many expectations that I seriously don't know if I can live up to. I have big shoes to fill. I know I can't BE that person, and that all I can do is be who I am and give it my best shot... but I worry that being April isn't good enough. I don't know if I could ever be a great musician. Sure, I'm good now, but what does that really mean in high school?
The thought of never playing music again breaks my heart. So regardless of where I end up after high school, I know that I'll always be that secret musician. Maybe not involved in groups in school, but outside of school. Or just by myself ... Anyways, I wouldn't trade these years in band for the world. Not only have I had fun, but I've met some amazing people, and learned so much about life in general. 

Fail

Something that's always been difficult for me is failing. Difficult in all sense of the word - as in it doesn't happen much, and when it does, I don't take it well. I'm not just saying that to brag, honestly. I just don't let it happen. Even worse than failing, I've discovered, is when you only have yourself to blame. Recently, I've noticed more and more that... I'm the only thing standing in my way.
Take the Academy for example. I want to go so bad. It's like this dream - this goal - has become a part of me. There's never a second I'm not thinking about it. God has put me on this earth to do something amazing with my life, I just KNOW it, and I feel in every fibre of my being that going to the Academy will help GET me there. Yet I still hold myself back. I'm not an idiot, I know that getting accepted is hard, yet I've hardly done anything about it. When I attempt, it feels like I'm never doing enough. I could be doing so much MORE and I just waste my time.
I guess this goes with other aspects of my life as well, but I can't help but feel as though I'm letting my dream slip through my fingers. It's frustrating. I've been able to get past almost any obstacle put in my way before, and now I just don't know what to do? How do I stop holding myself back? I wish there was some secret trick, and all I had to do was learn it, and I'd be home free. For some reason, I feel that this is much more complicated than that...
So, moral of the story... Well. I guess I'm still figuring that one out. :/

(:

Well, today I make my first blog post. 

I wish I could come to some profound realization while posting this, but, alas, my mind is blank...

Well... I guess I could say that I've recently come to realize how fragile everything is. One moment you're on top of the world, and you almost believe you could fly. The next, you're lying on the ground wondering why on earth you jumped. There's nothing like taking that leap of faith, then being let down. It's sudden, painful, and difficult to stand up again. But you know what? I can do that now. Before, not so much. I'm tired of treading on eggshells. I'm tired of not living life to the fullest! I have all these dreams, and I plan on achieving them!

I've also been reunited with God. Before, religion was something I was TOLD, but I never LEARNED it. I never understood, and I didn't want to listen to anyone but myself. But now I've made this decision myself, and have come to realize that I'm not alone. I know God will help me understand and lead me down the right path, I just have to listen. (: